lex.

: endlessdusk; January 24th, 22:40

The hope is fading from my lips
When I kiss you with goodbye
Now when you let go of our last embrace
Please don't look me in the eye
Secret's out, that I just might care about you
You broke me, you're leaving
There's nothing I can do

I'll find a way to close the door
I want to say so much more but
I found you once, you're lost again
Two thousand miles took what could have been

I don't want to
Won't let myself
I have to realize
This might be
This could be
This is goodbye
This is goodbye

The smile fate was wearing, slowly die
Minutes turn to months
Silence of the phone just mocks my cry
When I see that you've moved on
Secret's out that I did care about you
You broke me, you left me
There was nothing I could do

I'll find a way to close the door
I want to say so much more but
I found you once, you're lost again
Two thousand miles took what could have been

I don't want to
Won't let myself
I have to realize
This might be
This could be
This is goodbye

Do I ever cross your mind?
Cause you're on mine all the time
I can believe how unfair life is sometimes

Find a way to close the door
And be okay with nothing more but
Found you once, you're lost again
Two thousand miles took what could have been

I don't want to
Won't let myself
I have to realize
This might be
This could be
This is goodbye
This is goodbye

The hope is fading from my lips

you've replaced him in all of the old songs. you're the one that takes up every thought. this is bad this is bad you are who i'll be caught up on in forever i've never gone this far please come back and make this all better please make it better i love you i love you i love you i love you more than my heart can even handle. you're the one person i want to do everything with and i'm broken without you. i love you. please. please. i'll wait as long as i have to, as long as you find your way back to me and keep me.

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: endlessdusk; January 14th, 22:53

I remember tears streaming down your face
When I said, I'll never let you go
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said, Don't leave me here alone
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

Don't you dare look out your window darling
The war outside our door keeps raging on
Hold onto this lullaby
Even when the music's gone

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

Just close your eyes
You'll be alright
Come morning light,
You and I'll be safe and sound...

i need to hide in you for a little while. that's all.

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: endlessdusk; January 7th, 1:17

i've done a pretty good of making people not give a shit about me. it works. with my lifestyle, it works.

but it makes me cry like a baby when i'm the right kind of drunk.

fuck. this.

i've let you down so much. i'm so sorry.

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: endlessdusk; January 4th, 0:30

Having Pinq here has made me realise how amazingly well we get along. I haven't felt this comfortable around anyone in so freaking long, and I definitely haven't laughed as much in the past year than I have in these past few days. So good, so good.

But it's also made me realise how uncomfortable I am around Jason and Emi. Has it always been this way? I can't be too sure. Jason changed so much once he started seeing Amy, so I know that's at least different. He's no longer fun, he doesn't seem as alive as he used to be, and it's just...I dunno, it doesn't work.

I have a disadvantage with Emi, though, because we had never met each other before we started living together. And, right when we started living together, is when I moved out and changed jobs. So I can't tell if we were doomed from the start or if the stress and effects of those changes brought us down.

I just feel like... I was somehow better before. And that is so, SO mean. It's probably not her. I like to feel like it's not her. But I get a negative vibe from her, like she thinks she's superior, like she judges me, and like I'm not doing things right. It hurts and it brings me down so much. And I don't want to talk to her about it, because I know I'm her best friend and that is an awful thing to hear from a best friend. So I'm going to say it's probably me, and she's caught up in it...

Just... I'm not happy.

I was happier last spring, before all of this, and I want to get back to that. Take me back. Please take me back. Before the changes, before the falling outs, before the heartbreak.

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: endlessdusk; January 4th, 0:21

Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That you're deserting for better company
I can't accept that it's over...
And I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry

So just say how to make it right
And I swear I'll do my best to comply

Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?

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: endlessdusk; December 31st, 2011

Why can't I seem to get a grip on myself?

I blame you even if it's really my own fault. But I blame you because you walked away when you were the one person I wanted to stay. I guess it could be karma getting back to me, but I think this was too harsh even for karma. I think I know that there's no one else and that will never cease to haunt me.

I tried to be more playful but it seemed to cause more problems with the people around me. So I stopped and decided to entertain myself, which I'm sure which will also prove to be problematic...I've come to realise that I can't win on either side. I guess one day I'll find a purpose or a peaceful standing.

the biggest problem is that i know what i want and what i want is you. come back.

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: endlessdusk; December 25th, 2011

I keep having dreams where I talk about Dani out in the open, as if he's not my own little secret anymore. Two people have known about him and for one I took it back.

But for over a year now, he's been mine. Just mine. No one's had to know.

I just hope it can always stay this way.

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: endlessdusk; December 24th, 2011

I truly believe this isn't over. And that's not fair to any of us. But it hasn't ended, it's just not our time. I tried, I really did, but you can't make someone else ready.

So I'll wait.

I mean, I'm not gone from the idea yet, but there's something better, and I'm not throwing it away. But even better things don't always last.

So we'll see.

We've already gotten a rare second chance. I don't think you just get one -- I think when something's meant to be, the stars collide until you fit.

But for now, for now I'm happy, because I did want this on some level. It'll all work out in the end.

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: endlessdusk; December 15th, 2011

I think I need to be clear.

I know this is what I have. And I'm not waiting for it, because it's happening now. This love is ours and I'm never letting go. I'm so thankful to have found this, to finally have what I want. We're together forever and I know that.

I breathe, speak, touch, taste, hear, and feel love. My mind has not faltered or changed in all these years, and not even in these past six months.

Thankyouthankyouthankyou.

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: endlessdusk; December 13th, 2011

take away the object of my affection, and you come to realise that there isn't much else.

i'm a blank slate. i'm empty. i've come unravelled. and, truth be told, i know i go through significant personality changes once every few months and can't keep the majority of the old. everything has to be new. i'm different. i have to be different.

and when i analyse it, i know that it's because i hate being held accountable. oh, well, that was a different me, it wasn't i who screwed up, you see, i've grown since then. really, i haven't grown at all. i know this is all a result of the fact that i've messed up at work again. and i know that's a result of me just losing my grip, and while that is a huge thing and i guess smaller outcomes don't really matter in the end, i should be trying to fix it.

but it's not just that i don't like the blame, it's also that...it's my protection. i need to constantly be different. i need to be a stranger to everyone in my life. whenever i claim that no one knows me, i mean no one knows me. they know who i used to be, they know the things that happened to me, but they don't know me in any of these current moments. psychologically, i've learned not to depend on getting close to anyone, and that means not letting them know you inside and out. it roots deeply back to my childhood, so it's understandable, but it has to stop.

thing is, i dunno how to stop it. i've honestly tried, letting people in, but in the end, i just feel...exposed. vulnerable. and i have to run, because i feel awful about it. maybe i just haven't found anyone i'm that comfortable with yet. maybe i have to count on them to stay before they know anything crazy. we need the lighter times.

but it's been affecting me a lot lately. i've been dragged down.

but worst of all, i don't have any real love for anything. i don't have any real passions. this has always been a problem with the past, but i feel like there were always things i liked doing well enough. the problem now is...nothing seems worth it -- too much money involved, i don't like it enough, not enough time, too tiring. i don't love anything and that's making me more or less void of humanity.

i'm apathetic. it's the worse symptom of all.

i dunno what i'm going to do to get out of this.

but i have to. i have to find something to love.

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lex.